What’s up, Orlando? How are you guys doing tonight? It’s great to see you all here.
I guess I should begin by addressing the elephant in the room…Yes, there is an NBA All Star who is a great standup comic who would’ve seemed like a more likely selection for this event. I get it, you were hoping to see Blake Griffin but instead you got a white guy from Ohio. Well, now you know how Dwayne Casey feels every time he looks down the bench and sees Luke Kennard.
I may not be as well known as Blake Griffin but I did make my big screen debut recently. A little program called The Last Dance… did any of you guys watch? Of course you did, of course you did. Okay, so remember how there was that little white guy that kept passing the ball to Karl Malone? That was me!
I kid, I kid. Believe it or not I was only 4 when the ‘98 Finals happened, so I was just a couple years younger than the crowd Karl liked to hang out with at the time.
The Last Dance was a great watch obviously, but an expensive one for me. My dad and I got the whole setup going in the living room to watch with the soundbar and everything, and then 15 minutes in Scottie Pippen starts calmly talking about his upbringing and BOOM! - his voice blew out the bass on our subwoofer.
It’s unreal how deep that man’s voice is. You know how when you fast forward a tape it makes it sound really high pitched and squeaky? I did that to a recording of Scottie talking and it sounded just like my regular speaking voice. It was uncanny.
So now I had to buy my dad a new sound bar for Father’s Day - thanks, a lot Scottie. I’d say I’m putting it on your tab, but if The Last Dance taught me anything it’s that you’re a little strapped for cash.
My favorite part of documentary was that Michael did all of his interviews in someone else’s house. No, seriously, that wasn’t even his house. The man is worth two billion dollars and still won’t let us see the crib…I guess we can add his house to the list of things that Mike owns but isn’t proud of…
I think “Owned by Jordan but he’s not proud of it” is going to be on Hornets t-shirts next year.
This Orlando setup is great though, right? We’ve got golf courses and private chefs, it’s like an upper middle class AAU tournament. We’ve got all the teams staying in 3 hotels, or as Ben Simmons insists on calling it - 2 hotels.
I’m so impressed with how much detail the league put into their plans for this. I mean seriously, there’s a whole page of the guidelines dedicated to ping pong rules. You guys aren’t allowed to play doubles because they want you to maintain social distancing. That’s amazing - last time the commissioner’s office got this hands on about ping pong balls Patrick Ewing ended up on the Knicks.
Shoutout to Adam Silver, though, man. You see what the other leagues are going through and it makes me so grateful that my favorite league has the best commissioner to get through the storm. I do find it a bit funny though that the commissioner that’s doing such a good job navigating a health crisis also happens to look like the evil scientist from every cartoon in history.
One thing I’m a bit worried about with this whole Disney setup is the interaction between the Disney characters and the players. I mean, just yesterday I saw Snow White following Isaiah Thomas around and calling him “Number 8” over and over again and asking him to help do her chores. I had to spend an hour and a half explaining to her that the optics of that look especially bad right now.
Another one of the subplots I’m really looking forward to is the first time a Disney princess hooks up with a Sacramento King...throw the whole monarchy into a state of disarray. Who do you think it’s gonna be? My money’s on Elsa and Bogdan Bogdanovic because he already kind of looks like the guy from Frozen.
Oh, while you guys are here, make sure you check out Black Widow - you know how they’re letting you see it early here? I heard there’s a bonus scene that plays after the movie where Scarlett Johannsson details her struggles living as a black man in America.
Have any of you guys called into the Anonymous Hotline yet? What an amazing concept that is. I heard a rumor Brad Beal was going to call and snitch on all of his teammates so they could go home early, but he wasn’t able to do it because even he didn’t know who all was on the Wizards.
Anonymous Hotline. It’s just great. “Anonymous Hotline” sounds like what Marv Albert would say if he tried to say Giannis’s last name too fast.
I heard they’re bringing barbers down here for you all - that’s exciting. Maybe you could all take this opportunity to finally show Nikola Jokic what a fade is…
I can’t wait to see what the cast of barbers they pick looks like. I’m imagining it’s like 9 of the best black barbers in the country and then Tiffani with an “i” from the Salt Lake City GreatClips to make sure Joe Ingles stays looking fresh.
Shout out to Nikola Jokic by the way, losing more weight for the role of Joker than Joaquin Phoenix.
People asked me if I was going to make any jokes about Kawhi and I told them absolutely not. No way. Kawhi’s the best, and he’s got so much to worry about right now. He’s trying to lead the Clippers to their first title, he’s got to worry about Covid, he’s got to worry about his and his family’s health just like the rest of us. I mean, this stuff is serious - we have no idea what a virus might do to his operating system.
It’s good to see Donovan Mitchell and Rudy Gobert are back on good terms. I knew they would, man, it was all overblown. They’re teammates above all else, and being a teammate is all about asking for forgiveness…especially if you play for the Saints.
Did you guys see Lamarcus Aldridge is going to miss the rest of the season? That’s tough, man. I really thought the Spurs were maybe going to get hot so they could maybe get the 9 seed so they could maybe make the play-in game so they could maybe make the playoffs. I guess there’s two ways to look at everything though, ya know? A good and a bad. Like, the bad is obviously that Lamarcus is a great guy and he got hurt and is going to have to rehab, but the good is that we don’t have to watch his ugly-ass game until next season.
If a vaccine was developed while you guys were here would you take it? …No way, right? It would be way too soon - not enough time for trials to be done to put that into your bodies. Well, if that’s the case, we’re witnessing history, my friends, we’ve finally found a shot Melo won’t take.
Hey, before I go, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there are so many good causes and fundraisers right now that are related to Black Lives Matter and fighting racial injustice in the US. I strongly encourage any and all of you to put your money towards these causes and help our country out…Personally, however, I am unable to donate because I spent all of my money on Spencer Dinwiddie’s GoFundMe.
Alright, I’m Zach Payne I’ll see you all at Space Mountain!
*room of NBA players goes nuts and the Bucks ask me if I want to take Pat Conoughton’s minutes*