Okay, folks, I don’t know if I should even be doing this for free, but coming off a week where I cashed out on the GameStop and AMC sagas (I got 510% returns on my $8 investment) I’m going to offer some thoughts on where the casual investors should put their money next. The stock market is so easy to predict - anyone who didn’t see a brick and mortar video game shop taking off this year simply doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Simply follow my leads (I’ll even tell you WHY I’m so confident) and you’ll be making huge returns like me in no time.
Alright, so everyone has been stuck in their houses for basically a year now. People have spent more time than ever just staring at the walls around them looking for things to do. You know what people aren’t going to want to look at once we’re out of the pandemic? Those same walls. So they’ll paint them. A lot of paint is going to be sold later this year, so I am very bullish on Sherwin Williams (SHW).
One of the best parts of 2021 will be the return of live sports. It will revive tons of industries that have been dead for the last year - perhaps none more so than the peanut industry. Who the heck is eating shelled peanuts at home in the middle of a pandemic? Serial killers - that’s who. With the rise in peanut consumption at live sports next year I’m expecting a huge year for Planter’s and therefore I am all in on their parents company - the Kraft Heinz Company (HKC).
Another fun event that’s going to return later this year is Broadway shows. Oh how lovely it will be to spend a night at the theatre! And how must one cap off a night of seeing a show? Ice cream of course. In general, our country is quite sensitive to dairy, so this sweet night cap will actually be a wreck for the American people. It doesn’t have to be for you, though, invest in Johnson + Johnson stock (JNJ) and cash in on the surge of sales of one of their signature products, Lactaid, as people try and prevent post-broadway diarrhea.
It’s no secret that 2020 took quite a toll on the hair of people around the world. With barbershops closed last spring, many men decided to grow their hair out. For most, that did not end up going well, and the second the pandemic is over and they’re forced to appear in public again they’ll want to change up their look. What will they do? Shave it all off - completely the opposite of growing it out. Guess what? They’re not going to like how that looks either - too short now. So they’ll start wearing hats to cover it up. And guess what happens when they wear hats for too long? Their hair gets flat and lacks volume. So what do they do? Invest in a blow dryer and try and bring that volume back, baby! Well let’s add some volume to your wallet by investing in Dyson (DYS), the makers of the best blow dryers on the market. This is easy money!
All the time at home during the pandemic caused people to cook at home more than ever. As a result, they bought more gadgets for their kitchen than ever before (did I really need a waffle iron and a pancake griddle?). People have all these new gadgets in their kitchen, but no place to put them. Consequently, they’ll want to redo their kitchens to give themselves more counter space. And if you’re going to get new countertops, why settle for anything less than the best? It’s granite or nothing, folks, so let’s hammer the leading manufacturer in the US, Granite Construction (GVA).
Home fitness - one of the biggest trends in the world. People bought all types of shit. Guess what? They’re going to be thrilled at the prospect of having every weight and machine at their disposal in their local gym once the pandemic is over and feel inclined to sell all of their equipment away. Well, eventually the Play-It-Again Sports of the world are going to have more home fitness equipment than they know what to do with and they’re going to reject people’s items instead of buying them. So where do people sell their home fitness stuff now? They list on eBay (EBAY). I can’t believe I’m giving all this money away for free.
eBay sellers are going to be shipping dumbbells and kettlebells across the country…It costs $24 to ship a puzzle to my girlfriend’s sister as part of our puzzle exchange, can you imagine how much it’s going to cost to ship a free weight? I’m all over UPS (UPS).
“Sorry we’re cashless right now”……Enough! Cash is going to be all the way back later this year. The lines at ATMs are going to be around the block just because people can’t wait to feel a crisp $20 again. And they’re not just going to want to hold them, they’re going to want to spend them. And where do you go to spend cash? Strip clubs! But those aren’t publicly traded. What’s the next best place people will go to spend that cash? Bowling alleys, of course. Nothing like throwing a $20 bill down to rent a pair of clown shoes and treat yourself to 2 hours on the lanes. And guess what? It’s so fun. People are going to get so into bowling and join a league. Once they’re in the league they’ll need equipment. As a result, I’m especially long on Brunswick (BC), the leading supplier of bowling materials. Sorry if this one is a bit obvious - it’s just got so much potential!
Travel will be back later this year. Everyone’s going to have 35 weddings to attend this year, and after a devastating 2020, the hotel industry is going to boom in 2021. But there are too many hotels to try and pick just one to invest in - that’s why we dig a layer deeper and go for the real money. More people staying in hotels means more sheets that need to be cleaned each day. More sheets needing to be cleaned means more laundry detergent in use…like a lot more. These hotels are going to buy so much laundry detergent that they’re going to have to buy the cheapest one possible: OxiClean. OxiClean is made by Church & Dwight (CHD) and you’re now rich enough that you can buy the expensive detergent in your own home.
Most people who work office jobs are going to be back in office at some point in 2021. One integral part of office culture is getting expensive salads at lunch because you’re scared your coworkers will judge you if you get fast food. And what happens when you eat a salad for lunch? You’re hungry by 2. So what do you do? Eat a protein bar. BellRing Brands (BRBR) owns PowerBar and they’re headed to the moon.
One of the hottest items of 2020 was Sony’s PlayStation 5. The new console was in incredibly high demand, but the supply was far too low. Sony has said that the system will be much more widely available in 2021 - let’s cash in. More PS5s means more video games, but it also means more fights between couples over one member of the relationship spending too much time on Call of Duty with their homies. And when there are fights, there are makeup flowers, so we’re going all in on 1-800-Flowers (FLWS).
Did you see all the cute pups people got in 2020? Aren’t they great? But at some point this year people will be headed back into the office, and they’ll be left with dogs with real separation issues. As a result, they’ll need to get doggy cams to make sure their new fluffy additions to the family don’t destroy their homes. Having a constantly on doggy cam is going to skyrocket people’s internet usage at home, thus, they’ll need to upgrade to a premier wifi plan. We’re going to upgrade our wallets by investing in the owner of Spectrum and Time Warner, Charter Communications (CHTR).
Some people got bikes during the pandemic, but others opted for the tell-everyone-they’re-rich solution by getting new Pelotons instead. Everyone that has a Peloton absolutely loves it and uses it all the time. As a result, a huge chunk of Americans are going to be developing leg muscles that they didn’t have previously. These newfound leg muscles are going to change the way that pants fit, and people are going to need to invest in new pairs. For that reason, it’s going to be a huge year for Levi Strauss (LEVI).
I apologize again if this one is obvious, but let me say it just in case. No one got to see their grandparents over the last year. In 2021, people will be grateful and are going to spend more time with their grandparents than ever before. When they spend time with their grandparents, they’ll be reminded just how terrible their grandparents’ hearing is. To try and avoid having similar hearing issues when they get older, these people will vow to stop using earbuds and listening devices that are potentially damaging their ears. As a result, the main form of listening to music and podcasts will shift to everyone having an individual boombox. Those boomboxes will be battery powered, so it’s going to be a huge year for Energizer (ENR). Again, apologies for stating the obvious, but I just had to make sure we’re all on the same page.
Lastly, I think it goes without saying that we’re all excited for more human contact in 2021. But no one is more excited for human contact than people who have been single throughout this entire pandemic. The dating scene in 2021 is going to be off the charts, and (cover your ears, mother) the sex scene will boom, too. The youths are going to be having so much sex with strangers in 2021. They’re a wise generation though, so they’ll do it safely, with protection. That means they’re going to be making tons of trips to CVS to buy condoms. But going to CVS just to buy condoms is a bit embarrassing. No one wants to walk up to the checkout at CVS and hand the cashier a box of condoms - it looks boastful. So, when people check out, they’ll get another item too. And what do they always pick? Gum. Upon research I discovered that Wrigley owns almost all the gum brands in the world, so they seem like a safe investment. However, they’re PRIVATELY owned. Nerds. Unfortunately, that means we’ll have to just invest in the condom brand instead (a slightly riskier play), and I’ll put my money behind Trojan. It turns out they’re also owned by Church & Dwight, so we’ll double our position on that front.
And just like that, you’re rich by the end of 2021. It’s that easy, guys. All you have to do is understand the market, guys. You’re welcome for letting you in on some of my secrets - let’s just hope Robinhood doesn’t block us from buying any of these incredibly lucrative stocks.