I read a disturbing study from a trustworthy British news outlet this week (though, to be fair, everything from Great Britain seems trustworthy because of their pleasant accents and more solid grasp on the English language) that suggested that the average person is estimated to spend nearly 10 years of their life looking at their phone. While the phone has its benefits and has opened many possibilities in our lives, the notion of spending ten years of my life looking at that usually toxic, little black rectangle is incredibly daunting. The thought of spending a decade of my precious life on my phone inspired me to start cutting back this week, so I thought it would be useful to share some ways I’ve found that can really cut down on your screen time. Without further ado, here are 15 things everyone can cut down on to ultimately spend less time on their phones:
1) Staring at your Uber app for all 8 minutes when it says that your driver is 8 minutes away
There is a chance that it will take them more than 8 minutes to arrive, but I assure you it will never take less.
2) Reading the lone 1 star reviews on a restaurant that has 4.9 stars on Yelp
It’s a toss up between trusting the 685 people that had amazing things to say and Marissa who thought her shrimp scampi wasn’t spicy enough and that her waiter looked “a little perv-y”.
3) Reporting your great uncle’s Facebook posts as false news
As thrilling as it is to think about your relative getting flagged by Facebook’s engineers and ultimately used in slideshows of how social media can be misleading, it’s probably best to just keep scrolling by. Or, better yet, just don’t get on Facebook at all.
4) Spending any amount of time trying to figure out what the generic Apple apps are supposed to do.
No one has ever used iTunes U and you can’t convince me otherwise.
5) Re-listening to podcasts from 2 months ago because you remember hearing a promo code for MeUndies and you’re thinking about giving them a shot
The savings on shipping are not worth the price you pay in dignity.
6) Getting on LinkedIn after you’ve caught up on all of your other social media platforms
This typically happens on the back end of a long bout on the toilet, but I promise meditating or reading an old magazine would be of more use than finding out that the guy from your high school who got held back twice is now a self-titled “Entrepreneur”.
7) Replying to Tucker Carlson’s tweets and telling him his face looks like if you put a puppy’s eyes on a pufferfish.
I think he gets paid based on social engagements, so even though it’s a sweet burn, you’re likely just lining his pockets even more.
8) Trying to find something other than butts on the Discover page on Instagram
Hint: it’s always just butts.
9) Intentionally putting in incorrect answers while you do the New York Times Crossword so that you can take screenshots and send to your friends.
See below:
10) Researching 3rd string Running Back options for your fantasy team that’s 1-8 on the year
Just pick up whoever the app predicts will score most and let’s accept this season is a lost cause.
11) Refreshing election results
Might be a week too late on this one.
12) Scrolling through Venmo as if it’s a social media app
Okay, I’ll admit it can be entertaining sometimes, but it’s mostly just roommates coming up with funny ways to charge for electricity and parents very plainly charging for insurance.
13) Searching Google Maps for your favorite restaurant in Barcelona that made amazing potatoes to see if this happens to be the week they happened to open a second location that also happens to be in your city in the United States
I’m confident that rather than expanding around Spain, their next move will be coming to Ohio.
14) Googling pictures of people far more attractive than you to show your hairstylist before you get a haircut
“I just think this late 2000’s David Beckham style would look really good on me”.
15) Reading dumb newsletters
Luckily, you’ve found yourself an exceptional one here and do not have to worry about such a thing.