Welcome to Laugh Through The Payne. Happy November, everyone! I tried to really bring the heat for you all this week because I figure next week might be a down week in the news with not a lot going on. Let’s get to it.
What The Hell Happened This Week?
At Kim Kardashian West’s private island 40th birthday party this week her husband, Kanye West, surprised Kim with a hologram of her late father, Robert Kardashian. Friends of Kim who were at the party said that the hologram “looks kind of real, but not super convincing” which is also how they describe Kim’s enthusiasm for Kanye’s presidential campaign.
Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence publicly announced her support for Joe Biden this week and said that she was actually a lifelong Republican prior to Donald Trump being elected. The news would be more surprising, but Lawrence is hardly the first Hollywood star to be flaky about parties.
Lyft announced on Tuesday that as part of their initiative to encourage democracy, they will be offering discounted rides on Election Day for riders heading to and from voting sites. The ride sharing service also announced a more expensive ride option for election day where you can pay extra to guarantee your driver doesn’t share their political beliefs with you along the way.
The Supreme Court of Michigan ruled against a request to ban conceal and carry from election sites next week, meaning that voters will be allowed to have firearms on them while they vote. The local Board of Elections celebrated this momentous ruling by introducing a special, new ballot which allows the real marksmen voters to indicate their selections by shooting at the candidate of their choice.
Voter suppression has been a hot topic leading up to this year’s election and with record turnouts this year, people nationwide reported that attempts to vote early were taking upwards of 5 hours as the polling sites got overwhelmed. Voters were surprisingly okay with the long times though, as the vast majority thought it was just really nice to finally have 5 hours worth of plans in 2020.
Speaking of extensive efforts to vote, a Florida woman who went into labor on Wednesday forced her husband to stop at the Board of Elections on their way to the hospital to ensure she could cast her vote. The proud new mother said this election was too important to not make her voice heard, as there’s a proposition to legalize sports betting in her county that she just had to support.
Former Falcons then Packers then retired then Jets then retired then Vikings then retired quarterback Brett Favre took it upon himself to announce on Friday that he will be supporting President Trump in this year’s election - a truly shocking endorsement from an incredibly wealthy white guy. Many liberal Falcons, Packers, Jets, and Vikings fans were disappointed to hear of the QB’s support, but it was far from the first time that Favre has lost popularity due to sharing more than he was asked to.
The CDC issued a warning this week against the consumption of various Italian deli meats, including salami and prosciutto, as a listeria outbreak has been reported in 3 different states. “Oh yeah? Try and stop us.” responded some of the world’s leading consumers of Italian deli meats.
Walmart announced on Tuesday that they will be removing guns and ammunitions from their sales floors indefinitely as the company grows nervous of the civil unrest in the United States. K-Mart, on the other hand, saw this as an opportunity to double down on their firearm sales, and has recently undergone some re-branding.
In news I never thought I’d hear, Harley Davidson announced this week that they will be launching a line of electric bicycles that are much more environmentally-friendly than their motorcycles. There are still very few details about the release of the bikes so far, but the tentative name for the new line is Hardly Davidson.
In a revolutionary discovery, NASA scientists observed water on the sunlit surface of the moon for the first time in history. The moon water could change the course of humanity, as it opens up new possibilities for potential habitation in the future. Unfortunately, “moon water” may have a bit of a branding issue, as it sounds like a nickname 13 year olds would have for butt sweat.
Snapchat announced that they’ll be bringing their infamous Dancing Hot Dog feature back onto their platform next week to encourage people to vote. If you’re eager to see selfies with little wieners on them and can’t wait until next week - don’t fret. Just try texting Brett Favre!
Swiftly shifting gears, a conspiracy theory that Melania Trump has body doubles that are used at some events with the President gained new legs this week as the woman that appeared at a campaign rally did not look like the First Lady we know (and love so dearly). Video
And, while I’m usually not much of a believer in conspiracy theories, based on the fact that this woman let President Trump kiss her, it seems pretty clear that this is not Melania.
A new study from the Wall Street Journal reported that due to constantly uncertain and shifting demand this year, the cost to manufacture cheese is at an all-time high - making it difficult for many farmers to survive. In response to this news, knowing how pivotal the dairy industry is to many key midwestern states, President Trump has launched a catchy, new campaign slogan in the final days leading up to the election, “Make America Grate Again”.
That’s all for this week. Same time next week.
Send any questions, comments, or general affection to LaughThroughThePayne@gmail.com