Welcome to a special birthday edition of Laugh Through The Payne. I’m finally settled in my new apartment so I was able to spend more time writing the hilarious topical jokes you all yearn for and deserve. Let’s get to it.
The Definitive Guide to Being the Best Unemployed Stay-At-Home Boyfriend
Times have certainly been changing in my life. Like several million others, I lost my job as a result of Covid-19-related cuts, and find myself looking for work. On top of that, my lease ended on July 1st, so my girlfriend and I decided to get a 1-bedroom apartment together and save some money.
Luckily for us, she is still gainfully employed and just working from home for the time being. Luckily for her, she happens to have moved in with the best unemployed stay-at-home boyfriend in the country. After one week I’m pretty certain I’ve got this down pat, and am here to provide a guide to all of you boyfriends out there who may be in a similar position. Here are some tips to make the work day much easier for your partner amid your unemployment:
Sleep In
Your partner will likely have an early alarm set for work. Since you’re unemployed, you have very few responsibilities each day and don’t have to be in a rush to get out of bed. Make sure you sleep in and stay out of your partner’s way while they get ready in the morning — they’ll be incredibly grateful when you roll out of bed at 9:30.
Go to the Gym During the Work Day
Don’t just go, talk about it when you get back, too. Your partner will be so relieved to hear that it wasn’t crowded at all when you went at 10:30 in the morning, for they much prefer going at 5:30 when everyone is trying to work out at the same time. There’s just so much more energy around then.
Knock Out Household Chores While Your Partner is on Calls
Since you and your partner aren’t able to share the delightful experience of talking to each other while they’re on their call, make the most of these times and get things done around the house. My go-to is to empty the dishwasher while my girlfriend is on a Zoom call. Every time I do it my girlfriend snaps her fingers to get my attention and tries to say something to me, but I’m unable to hear what she says over the sound of dishes clanging together. I can only assume she’s expressing her extreme gratitude.
Take the Car
We only have one car between the two of us, so I make sure to take the car for trips throughout the day while my girlfriend is working. I’m confident she’s really appreciative of not having the temptation to drive and grab lunch or anything like that while she’s stuck at home all day. Just yesterday she called me around noon, presumably to thank me for not leaving the car (and temptation), but I was unable to answer because I was trying out softball bats in the batting cage at Dick’s Sporting Goods.
Share Your Podcasts
We’re fortunate enough to have a state of the art Sony sound bar in our living room, so I make sure to play my podcasts through the bluetooth and share what I’m listening to with her while I work. There’s nothing like consuming media together and having shared experiences, and I think it’s safe to say my girlfriend is a huge Bill Simmons fan at this point.
Background Back Rubs
This one should be a no-brainer. If I’ve got the luxury of free time throughout my day, the least I can do is give the old lady a back rub while she’s on a Zoom call. My preferred approach is to sit on the ground behind her chair, reach my arms up to her shoulders like I’m pushing a lawn mower, and work out the kinks while she speaks on the call. A couple of her co-workers have asked mid-call whose hands are on her shoulders as I really try and work the medial deltoids, so I’ve ordered gloves that will camouflage with each of her 10 most popular work shirts to try and stay hidden in the future.
By following these tips, you too can master the art of being an unemployed stay-at-home boyfriend. Can’t wait for my gloves to arrive!
What the Hell Happened This Week?
2020 apparently didn’t have enough stupid headlines, so a huge one was added this week as Kanye West announced that he intends to run for president this year as a member of the “Birthday Party”. Some have been quick to dismiss West’s presidential bid, but maybe the rapper’s race for the Oval Office should be taken a bit more seriously. People seem to be forgetting that Kanye’s wife, Kim Kardashian West, has a political background of her own, as she rose to fame with her well-documented work with the Ray-J Caucus.
Kanye’s campaign is off to a bumpy start already and the rapper’s notorious delusion and arrogance may have finally caught up to him. West reportedly thought he was going to run away with this year’s election when he announced, but began to worry on Thursday when he found out that the Democratic nominee is Joe Biden and not Joe Budden.
The swamp cleaning continued this week in Washington as President Trump announced that he will be commuting the sentence of his former henchman, Roger Stone, because he felt the investigation into him was fraudulent. Stone’s case marks the 23rd criminal sentence that Trump has commuted during his presidency, which more than doubles the 11 coherent sentences that Trump has spoken during his term.
The city of New York came together on Friday to paint Black Lives Matter on the street on 5th Avenue in Manhattan, just outside of the Trump Tower. Many expected Trump to be angered by this move, but he was surprisingly calm. Asked if he was uncomfortable with having to look at the writing from inside his tower, Trump said that he actually didn’t mind it at all, as he’s been looking down upon black lives his entire life.
As the calendar nears March, the federal government began leading a push this week to reopen schools in the fall, regardless of where the nation is at regarding Covid-19. To the dismay of many districts across the country, President Trump stepped in on the matter and threatened to cut funding from schools that chose not to reopen in person. “Oh no, then I’d still have to spend my own money on school supplies” said teachers across the country.
On Thursday, the Native American community received a huge win as the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that a large swath of eastern Oklahoma, including Tulsa, rightfully belongs to the Native American community. In related news, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder has been considering changing the name of his football team to something less offensive to Native Americans, and is reportedly now heavily considering the Washington Large Swaths.
The head writer for Tucker Carlson Tonight resigned this week after he was ousted for writing sexist and racist comments on an online message board under a pseudonym. The writer, Blake Neff, has since put out a statement apologizing for using a pseudonym.
The recipients of the federal small business support loans were made public this week, and many were surprised to see that the Catholic Church was one of the biggest recipients, receiving $1.4 billion in financial aid. Many were startled by the incredibly high number, but Pope Francis assured the world that the money would be put to good use, and they’d finally be able to switch back to the name brand communion wafers.
That’s all for this week. I ask for no birthday gifts this year but rather for Laugh Through The Payne subscriptions. Same time next week.
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