Hello there! Betsy DeVos here, known lover of both children and higher learning. As Secretary of Education, nearly all of my time in recent weeks has been focused on one issue: getting Donald Trump reelected. However, in the little time I have found outside of that, I have put all my attention towards figuring out if we should open up schools this fall as we battle the Covid-19 pandemic. After reading the CDC’s guidelines and swiftly dismissing them, I have gone ahead and created my own 10 step plan to ensure that we’re able to head back to school in person over the next 8 weeks.
1 - Increase Testing
This one seems quite obvious. After missing several weeks from the end of the school year in the spring, it’s very important to implement rigid standardized testing to ensure that the children have not fallen behind. I am recommending that each student grade 1-12 take the PSAT in the first quarter of the upcoming school year.
2 - Encourage Face Coverings
This is mostly for the junior high and high school students, as the acne they develop is just repulsive. Spare us all the trouble and cover your face if you’re feeling a breakout coming on.
3 - Lots and Lots of Hand Sanitizer
It’s important to have something on hand to spray in the kids’ eyes when they misbehave.
4 - Changes to Lunch Schedules
And by changes, I simply mean getting rid of lunch altogether. These little porkers are getting out of hand - it’d be good for most of them to skip it. And if your child is one of those little string beans for whom this doesn’t apply, do some research on intermittent fasting - your kids will be thanking you when they come home feeling sharp in the 18th hour of a fast.
5 - Safer Transportation to and from School
School buses are a really complicated issue as we head back to school. Sure, they provide moderately safe, free transportation for the kids, but at what cost? The school bus is where kids learn those foul words that we have to look up on Urban Dictionary, and we’d be better off if they didn’t spend this time around their peers. Instead, I’m proposing each school develop a ride share lot similar to those at LAX and LaGuardia, and encourage each child to ride to school in their own Uber or Lyft. And I know what you’re thinking, “how can we be sure that’s safe?”. Well, we will be implementing a special school ride feature on the ride sharing platforms that ensures students only get drivers who have a 3.5 star rating or higher.
6 - No Choir or Singing Classes
My son’s choir was learning an African American spiritual in the spring, and he kept singing it around our house. It gave me the heebie jeebies - no more of that, please.
7 - Resources for Those Who Don’t Have Internet at Home
Some parents will opt to keep their kids home this fall out of an abundance of caution. While I think their decision is a bit dramatic, we will make sure to have an online learning option for districts across the country. Unfortunately, online learning comes with its challenges, as not everyone has the same easy access to the internet as regular people like me and my family. I will make it my personal mission to ensure that each student in the United States can easily find the phone number/website for the local internet provider if desired. For example, here’s a great bundle I found for those in areas covered by AT&T:
https://www.att.com/bundles/
8 - Listen to the Teachers
Via hot mics taped to the bottom of their coffee mug/desk ornaments and see if they’re seeing anything mean about me. This is no time to be saying mean things about the Secretary of Education. If a teacher if recorded speaking ill of myself or the administration, I will personally dock their pay 20%.
UPDATE: I was informed that in 33 US States, a 20% pay cut for a teacher would result in their salary falling below minimum wage. My apologies. In instances where that may happen, I will reduce their salary as low as the state allows, and supplement that punishment by cutting off their pension.
9 - Clean Supplies Within Classrooms
It’s important to make sure that the items in the classroom are not the source of the spread of Covid-10. As a result, I’m asking teachers to throw out everything in their classroom at the end of the day, and replace it with brand new, clean stuff the next day (out of pocket, of course).
10 - Take Care of the Poor Kids
When I say “take care of ”, I mean “take care of” like they mean “take care of” in The Sopranos and other mob and mafia shows. Catch my drift? I don’t ever want to see or hear from any of them again. They gross me out.
And that does it! With these 10 simple steps, we can safely return to school in the coming weeks and continue to flourish as we have all year long. I look forward to seeing you all in the classroom!
PS: A nasty rumor was floating around the internet that i said victims of school shootings are “asking for it” by not carrying guns to school with them. This ridiculous rumor was not only incorrect, but incredibly hurtful. I would never say such a thing. What I did say is that victims of school shootings are asking for it by going to public schools. I’m glad i got this opportunity to set the record straight.