Listen, man, this is absurd. It’s been nearly 9 months since the initial batch of $1,200 stimulus checks that the government sent out in April, and after all that time, the most they could give us was $600 each? Come on now. That’s not enough to really make a difference in my monthly expense. Heck, that’s not even enough to cover my daily expenses sometimes. Let’s take last Monday, a normal weekday, for example. I’ll walk you through my expenses for the day and keep a running tab of how much I spent.
MONDAY
After sleeping in until 11:15 am, I woke up really hungry, Given that it was probably too late for breakfast, I decided to just have a big lunch instead. A little bit of spice to start my day always opens up my sinuses, so I decided that buffalo wings would be a great meal. I hopped in my car and headed to my favorite local wing place.
As I sat at my table, I noticed a plaque above the drink fountain with a picture of an unhealthily large man and a graveyard of bones that read “STEVE BARBER - WING EATING RECORD - 73 WINGS - JUNE 16. 2012”. Steve appeared to be twice my size, but I was honestly not that impressed with his performance of 73. Seeing that I had skipped breakfast, and it was all you could eat wings day, I decided I’d attempt to shatter Steve’s record. When my waiter, Paul, came to my table, I alerted him that I was going to go for it. I told him to let me start with 10 classic buffalo, and that I’d signal with my hand every time I was ready for another round.
I knocked out my first 10, gestured to Paul for 10 more, and continued my pursuit once he brought them out. After I cleaned my 20th off, I called Paul over and told him I’d like Honey BBQ for my next batch, and he brought them out shortly after. I polished off numbers 21-30 and gave my patented hand wave to signal another round. Once again, Paul obliged and brought me 10 more. I ate 7 of them and realized that I was incredibly full and had absolutely no chance at Mr. Barber’s record. Defeated, I told my good pal Paulie that I was done and that he could bring me my check whenever he got the chance.
Paul quickly brought me my check, and I was astonished to see that my bill was for $65. “Dearest Paul, it’s all you can eat Tuesday, shouldn’t it be $17.99?” I asked. “Today is Monday.” he responded. After double checking the calendar on my phone, it appeared Paul was correct. I paid the $65 and - given the year we’re in and the speed with which Paul attended to me - I tipped a generous 25%.
Total: $81.25 - Running Total: $81.25
After leaving the wing restaurant with a stuffed stomach but clear sinuses, I had to head to Walgreen’s to get a few photos printed. Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer a 4x6 to a digital copy. I even opted to treat myself and get an extra glossy finish - it is the holidays after all.
Total: $13.87 - Running Total: $95.12
After my photos were done I realized that I needed to stop and get gas. Just kidding, I drive a TESLA so I didn’t need gas at all.
The real reason I stopped at Marathon is because someone at Walgreens told me my breath was terrible, even through my mask, so I stopped to get some gum. I went with DoubleMint because I figured I needed something particularly strong.
Total: $3.31 - Running Total: $98.43
After the gas station I made a stop at an acquaintance of mine’s house. Some might refer to this friend as a “bookie”, but I don’t like the negative connotations with that word - I prefer betting liaison. I handed my betting liaison $185 in cash, but he and his large associate were not pleased, claiming that I owed over $3500. However, when I pulled out my glossy photos from Walgreens, one of which involved my betting liaison engaged in an act that borders on bestiality, he agreed to forgive the rest of my debt in exchange for shredding that picture (I’ve still got a digital copy and I really like the Eagles -3 on Sunday).
Total: 185.00 - Running Total: $283.43
Unsurprisingly, 37 chicken wings didn’t take long to navigate through my system and I realized I needed to find a bathroom before I got home. I pulled into the next Starbucks I saw and asked an employee to point me in the direction of the lavatory. I got a judgy look from the teenage barista that made me feel guilty about using the bathroom without buying anything, so I decided to order a latte and a scone and picked it up after relieving myself. I wasn’t even hungry, but damn I love cinnamon.
Total: 7.95 - Running Total: $291.38
When I exited Starbucks, I was frustrated and a bit concerned to see that there were a couple of young men dressed in all black (they may have just been large, stylish teens) looking at my car. Luckily, they walked away before I got close. There’s a chance that they were just checking out my sweet Tesla, but I didn’t want to take any chances. I decided I needed to keep something to protect myself in my vehicle, so I headed to the local Dick’s Sporting Goods to buy a baseball bat. Some of the options looked pretty sweet, but I remembered that this was more about practicality, so I went with a basic option.
Total: $125.91 - Running Total: $417.29
As I pulled out of Dick’s (phrased with caution), it occurred to me that it’s incredibly stupid to expect to be able to defend myself with a baseball bat that I’m not comfortable swinging. I figured it would be best to get a few hacks in and acquaint myself with my new self defense-weapon. Lucky for me, I was just seven miles from a sporting center that had batting cages, so I quickly made my way over.
I spent about 15 minutes getting some cuts in on the fast pitch machine and hit some absolute lasers. Feeling good about my swing, I recalled an era of my youth baseball career where I had hopes and dreams of being a switch-hitter (they died quickly after I hit .062 from the right side of the plate in ‘06). I was already at the batting cages, so I told the worker to give me 15 more minutes and decided to see what kind of damage I could do as a righty.
I absolutely sucked and my confidence was shattered, so I told the worker to give me 15 more minutes to hit lefty again and recharge my ego.
Total: $24.00 - Running Total: $441.29
On my drive home from the cages, I couldn’t stop thinking about my inability to switch hit and the lack of flexibility I had at the plate. All that time thinking about my flexibility shortcomings caused me to remember something my ex-girlfriend told me when she dumped me - that I was inflexible and it was always “my way or the highway”. Oddly enough, as I recalled her comments, I drove a sign that showed an opportunity to Adopt-a-Highway. It seemed pretty evident that this was a sign from the universe, so I pulled over, got out of my car, and called the number on the sign. For just $200 they told me I could adopt the stretch of the highway, and I couldn’t turn down such a steal. Sometimes I choose the highway, Lauren.
Total: $200.00 - Running Total: $641.29
Oh, and there was a processing fee.
Total: $3.50 - Running Total: $644.79
See what I mean? Nearly $650 for a very regular Monday - who hasn’t had a day like that? Oh, and we’re at the end of the month so rent is due in a few days. How can I possibly be expected to get the funds together to pay that? The government needs to do more for its people - I’m sure as hell not putting my highway back up for adoption!