Welcome to Laugh Through The Payne. I hope you all had a great week. If you didn’t, compare your week to Rudy Giuliani’s, and I promise yours wasn’t so bad after all. I’m really happy with this week’s newsletter so let’s get to it.
What The Hell Happened This Week
Jeffrey Toobin of The New Yorker took an embarrassing leave of absence this week after he left his camera on and began masturbating during a Zoom meeting with his co-workers. The moment was obviously humiliating for Toobin, but was reportedly made even worse when his co-workers made him share his screen to make sure he wasn’t masturbating to their PowerPoint presentation.
President Trump’s perfect record of not doing embarrassing things for our country finally took a hit this week as a report came out that during a security intel briefing earlier this year, the President abruptly halted the meeting to order milkshakes for everyone in the room. On the surface this is a bad look, but in Trump’s defense, I can understand having ice cream on the brain during intel briefings because half the things on Sonic’s menu sound like a national security threat.
After a messy and embarrassing first presidential debate, a welcome change was made for this week’s second debate allowing moderators to mute the candidates’ microphones to prevent interruptions. The change seemed to be universally welcomed by viewers, and if this debate was better than the first for you, just imagine how much better it was for the people in charge of writing out the closed-captions!
Joe Biden’s team continued their last push towards election day this week with a new, heartfelt ad narrated by actor Sam Elliott. The early feedback shows that the ad has been incredibly effective among a key demographic Biden has been targeting – undecided cowboys who love Coors beer.
The rocky relationship between President Trump and the Republican Party hit yet another bump in the road this week as Michael Steele, the former chairman of the RNC, announced his support for Joe Biden for President. Republicans across the board were shocked to hear of Steele’s endorsement, saying “Wait, I thought our one black guy already died?”
New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez reshaped what political conversation can look like this week as she interacted with supporters by hopping on Twitch and playing the hit game Among Us with a group of famous streamers. If you’re currently in the middle of a game of Gen-Z Bingo, please check your cards because it’s impossible not to have a winner after that sentence.
Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers reached out to the courts on Wednesday in hopes of getting the former Hollywood executive’s sentence reduced, citing fear that Weinstein is going to die before he is ever released. In related news, maybe our prison system doesn’t need reform after all!
A new report released this week showed that in the early months of the pandemic, when many businesses were closed, credit scores for United States consumers reached the highest levels ever recorded. Now I’ve heard before that correlation doesn’t equal causation, but it sure seems like if we closed Applebee’s back down forever we all might have perfect credit…
The US Department of Justice dropped a hammer on Monday when they announced a major antitrust investigation against Google for, among other things, continuing to track users’ information when the users were browsing in the supposedly private Incognito mode. The news was especially troubling for young men across the country, who now have to find a new place to privately search for surprise gifts to buy their significant others who they love so dearly.
Speaking of troubling things and young men, a 17 year old was arrested in Kansas after being found in an inebriated state and covered in ranch at the scene where he wrecked his vehicle into a convenience store. Asked by police if he had been drinking that evening, the boy responded that he hadn’t, but he had spent more time than he’d liked at the salad bar.
Scientists in Virginia began to grow concerned this week as several civilians reported sightings of a presumed-to-be-extinct species of hairy, venomous caterpillar. Frankly I’m surprised there haven’t been more reported sightings of this insect, because “hairy, venomous caterpillar” is also how my girlfriend describes the thing that’s been growing above my lip since the start of quarantine.
Struggling to stay afloat amid the pandemic, AMC announced that customers will be allowed to rent out one of their theaters for a private movie screening for the shockingly low price of $99. Even better, the chain announced a premium $149 option where you can rent a theater to yourself and get a private screening of all The New Yorker’s Zoom meetings!
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That’s all for this week. Same time next week.
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