Welcome to Laugh Through The Payne. I hope every person, woman, man, camera and TV out there who subscribes had a great week. Let’s get to it.
All the Ways Columbus, Ohio Is Superior to New York City
Okay, as some of you know (I have done a horrendous job of making this news public), I moved from New York back to Columbus about a month ago. Given how insane the world is and how unemployed I am, it seemed like a wise decision to not pay New York rent for the rest of the year.
The move went fine, the apartment has been great, and it’s been wonderful to see friends and family again. But one thing has been quite the downer: telling people I moved from New York City to Columbus, Ohio. Despite being ranked the 51st best city to live in in the US by Bizjournals.com in 2019, people act like Columbus isn’t cool, and that moving from New York to the 614 is a downgrade, or as they keep calling it, “a big adjustment”. Columbus is a great city and I’m happy to be back here, so to set the record straight, here are the areas where I am confident Columbus has the Big Apple beat.
Rent Pricing
No shocker here, but I’m paying about 1/3 as much here as I was in New York for an even larger space. Although, to be fair, the leases in New York tended to have some bonuses worked in like “free mice” and “6 months free of Apple Music because your walls are so thin that you can hear all the songs your neighbor plays”.
Trader Joe’s Shopping Experience
Have you ever been tasked with having to diffuse a bomb or else 2,000 puppies would die? Me neither. But I can only imagine the anxiety I’d feel in that situation would compare to what I feel going into TJ’s in Manhattan on a Sunday. In Columbus, however, I’m able to take my time, scan my fruit for abrasions, and strike up long conversations with employees about climate change - it’s a real treat.
Mexican Food
I don’t care what anyone says, the Mexican food in Ohio is better than it is in New York. Who cares if they sacrifice “authenticity” for the sake of “putting cheese dip on everything”? It’s absolutely delicious and I eat it nearly every day.
Donuts
Okay, one more food one. I understand New York will win most food battles with the rest of the world, but I tried quite a few of the “best” donut spots in the city and they were never that good. I had donuts from two different places in Columbus on Tuesday that were better than any donut I ever had in New York. If you’re wondering why I had donuts from two different places in the same day, why don’t you mind your business and quit body shaming?
Number of Gas Stations
This one’s a blowout. I still am unclear where all the cars in Manhattan get gas, but I never have any issue filling up in Columbus.
Preposterously Large Retail Chains
Uh oh, another blow out. One day I went to 8 different home goods stores here that were all similar in size to Madison Square Garden.
Having Bike Lanes That Aren’t Filled Exclusively with Delivery Drivers
There are like 2 places in Manhattan where there are bike lanes that aren’t overrun with Seamless deliverers on their eBikes. It’s been quite nice to ride the streets of Columbus and just worry about pickup trucks running me over instead.
Fewer Buildings Owned by Super Rich Assholes
Emphasis on the “super” because there’s a Town Hall in Columbus now and we know that guy’s a huge douche, but seeing all the buildings owned by Trump, James Dolan, and other multimillionaires was always unsettling.
Not Having Crackheads Yell at You About Jesus on Your Morning Commute
Now, I understand people are still mostly working from home, but I can’t say I’ve heard of this being much of an issue in Columbus, whereas in New York it happened to me about once a week.
My Nephews
Okay, probably not fair to throw them into this argument, but they’re really great, and they live in Columbus not New York, so it only feels right to throw them in. Hell, I don’t think I ever even saw a single child in my 3 years in New York.
See? It’s a much closer competition than most people think. Columbus is a great city, and I’m very happy to be back.
A Story About Love at First Sight
It was just over ten years ago. My father and I were with my Great Aunt Betty, and we sat down in a crowded room. By all accounts, it was a normal night. We chatted and laughed as we always did when we were together, but things changed when a tall man in a tan suit sat walked down the stairs and sat across the room. My Aunt Betty had been happily married for nearly 50 years at the time, but she caught a glimpse of this man across the room and couldn’t look away.
I had known Aunt Betty my whole life, but had never seen her fall into someone’s spell like this - not even my great uncle. As the night carried on, she was unable to look away. “Boy, he is handsome” she kept saying. It didn’t matter that there were younger, taller, and better looking men around. It didn’t matter that the lights were bright, the room was loud, and that there was so much going on around us - Aunt Betty was in a trance.
In the moments that we could temporarily get her attention, we teased her and told her to walk over and speak to the man. She told us she was too old and would be too weird. After more than an hour of staring from across the room, we finally worked up a plan. Aunt Betty sent me across the room to speak to the man with a pen, a piece of paper, and a question to ask him. I worked my way across the room, past the nearby security guard, and got the man’s attention. He was distracted - while we may have been taking note of him all night, he certainly hadn’t noticed us. I asked the man Aunt Betty’s question and gave him the pen and paper to respond. After just a few seconds of writing, the man returned my paper and pen, and fixed his gaze back to the happenings of the room. I made my way back to my seat and Aunt Betty eagerly awaited to hear how it went.
When I showed her the paper, she was tickled to death. I had never seen her like this. The passion she felt was charming, but also intense enough that I feared it could lead to a family divorce. She held the paper tight the rest of the night, and couldn’t stop talking about the man and his message.
I’d love to say that this story ended with Aunt Betty and the man falling in love, but that’s hardly what happened…
The “room” we were in was Conseco Fieldhouse, home of the Indiana Pacers. The note on the paper I took over to the man’s seat was merely an autograph. And the man Aunt Betty admired from across the room? Larry Joe Bird. As a woman who spent much of her life in rural Indiana, Aunt Betty couldn’t believe she was able to share a room with Larry - even if 19,000 other people were there too.
I didn’t get an NBA Hall of Famer as a great uncle out of that night, but I did get a lot of laughs. I share this story because Aunt Betty made a whole lot of people laugh in her lifetime, so I figured I’d share it with you and add a few more to the list. Aunt Betty passed away this week, but she leaves a legacy of laughing, smiling, and making other people laugh - and (sentimental Laugh Through The Payne moment incoming) what’s a better thing to be remembered for than that?
That’s all for this week - I’ve got a couple pieces written already that I’m excited to share with you next Sunday. Same time next week.
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