Welcome to Laugh Through The Payne. I’d like to start this edition with words of condolence to all the teens out there who use and enjoy Tik Tok, as the President announced that he is planning to ban the app with an executive order. I’d also like to take this moment to say that if you were an active user of Tik Tok over the age of 21, you are a pervert. Let’s get to it.
(List) What I’ll Miss Most About The Extra $600 a Week for Unemployment
July 31st marked a dark day for many across the US, including myself, as the extra $600 a week in federal support for unemployment expired. Apparently Senators like Mitch McConnell think that the extra $600 is making Americans want to be unemployed during this pandemic, and let me tell you — he’s right. Instead of spending the stipends on bills, food, and essential needs to stay afloat, I’ve been using my $600 to be a big-time baller, and I’m now forced to cut back. Here’s what I’ll miss most:
Fresh truffles on my nightly filet mignon.
Buying a new pair of running shoes every time I go for a run.
Being a featured donor for both my favorite Twitch streamer and my second-favorite webcam model.
Renting out a pedal wagon by myself every Thursday.
Renting out the Dave and Buster’s party room by myself every Thursday after the pedal wagon.
LinkedIn Premium.
Buying a round of queso for the whole patio every time I dine at a Mexican restaurant.
Being an Equinox member even though I’m more than 400 miles from the nearest location.
Elective cosmetic surgeries (my top row of veneers will have to wait).
Paying for sponsored Instagram ads for my YouTube channel where I rate the best pizzas in Cincinnati, Ohio.
My velvet underwear subscription box.
Refurbishing vintage Corvettes.
Bribing local school board members to add a cattle ranching class to the curriculum.
Having a private detective on retainer for the days I wake up and feel adopted.
Attempting to buy the New York Mets.
Unreal News
Local Parents Hang Daughter’s Nasal Swab on Fridge as a Tribute to her First Passed Test of the School Year
New Report States that Ellen Forced Her Entire Staff to Get the Same Haircut as Her
Racist, Sexist White Guy Shocks World By Announcing He Won’t Be Tuning in to the WNBA Season
Promising Vaccine Development Delayed Several Months as Notoriously Butter-Fingered Lab Assistant Drops Crucial Vile
Ron DeSantis Warns that Hurricane Isaias Could Be Florida’s First Obstacle of 2020
Chris D’elia Stands Outside White House to Protest National Tik Tok Ban
President George W. Bush Wows Crowd at John Lewis’s Funeral with Detailed Speech Regarding the Texas Rangers’ 40 Man Roster
MLB Seasons Gets Off to Successful Start
That’s all for this week. Same time next week.
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